April Fool's Headlines: St. Rihanna, Well-Organized Crime, Missile Surpluses, and Condom Shortages

St. Corona is the patron saint of both epidemics and lumberjacks. (Wikimedia Commons)

Happy April Fool’s Day!

Compass World decided to scour the news for the most recent, most ridiculous, and still real headlines we could find. We normally publish short event blurbs like these solely on our Compass World Newsletter, to which you can and should subscribe here, but today we’re publishing them to the website for posterity. Enjoy!

GERMANY: Relics of the patron saint of epidemics, St. Corona, are dusted off in time for the pandemic.

In response to the global pandemic, the Aachen Cathedral in Germany retrieved and dusted off its relics of St. Corona, who is (by pure chance) the patron saint of epidemics. St. Corona is believed to have been martyred in Roman Syria by being tied between two bent palm trees, which were then released. As such, St. Corona is the patron saint of lumberjacks as well as epidemics.

COLOMBIA: Scientists find that Pablo Escobar’s “Cocaine Hippos” show how an invasive species (and a sprinkle of evolution) can, under the right conditions, exhibit similarities to extinct megafauna.

When Pablo Escobar’s exotic pet collection was shut down after his death in 1993, hippopotamuses were introduced into the waterways of the Magdalena river. Many feared that this invasive species would become a serious threat to local biodiversity, but a recent study suggests that Escobar’s hippos are filling an “ecological hole” left by extinct megafauna from the last ice age. By chomping on grass late at night, these hippos mimic the vanished giant llama, while their daytime defecation patterns mirror those of  long-extinct rhinoceros-like aquatic megafauna.

MALAYSIA: A global shortage of condoms is on the horizon after the world’s biggest producer is told to shut down production due to lockdown measures.

Karex Bhd, the world’s biggest producer of condoms, was told to shut down production due to COVID-19 lockdown measures. A lack of Karex BhD condoms, marketed by international brands like Durex, is estimated to create a 100m condom shortfall worldwide. Although the government will allow Karex to resume production in half-capacity on April 3, the CEO expressed his concern that the shortage could run for months. 

BRAZIL & SYRIA: Organized crime becomes well-organized crime, as both Brazilian gangs and ISIS are enforcing and encouraging measures to slow COVID-19. 

Organized crime groups worldwide are implementing strict COVID-19 containment measures. In response to Brazilian President Bolsonaro’s relative nonchalance towards the pandemic (“sorry, some will die”), the gangsters of Rio De Janeiro's favelas (inner-city slums) imposed a strict curfew in an effort to promote social distancing. Meanwhile, ISIS in the Middle East released a newsletter discouraging jihadists from entering Europe, the “land of the epidemic,” for the time being. The newsletter also urged followers to cover one’s mouth when sneezing and to practice rigorous hand-washing practices. 

SOUTH KOREA: Viral baby shark jingle makes a COVID-inspired comeback to promote correct hand-washing techniques among youngsters.

The South Korean company Pinkfong -- better known as the creators of the “Baby Shark” song -- is back with a remix: “Wash Your Hands.” In an effort to promote sanitary habits among its young viewers, the shark family from the original internet sensation (which has over 4.6 billion views on YouTube) now encourages parents to upload videos of their children singing along to the song while washing their hands. As of March 31, the new video has over 4.8 million views on YouTube. 

USA: New York governor thanks Rihanna for donating personal protective equipment and $5 million to organizations fighting COVID-19.

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo publicly thanked music star Rihanna for donating personal protective equipment (PPE) and an additional $5 million to organizations fighting COVID-19. “I want to thank @rihanna and the Rihanna Foundation for donating Personal Protective Equipment to New York State,” he tweeted on March 27, “We're so appreciative of your help and that of so many others who have stepped up.” Rihanna’s donations come at a crucial time for the hardest-hit state in the U.S., where health care professionals report insufficient PPE in hospitals. 

USA: When NYU Tisch students demanded a refund of their second semester tuition, Dean Allyson Green responded with a bizarre 2-minute video of her dancing to REM’s “Losing My Religion.” 

As many schools and universities go online for the remainder of the school year, students at New York University’s Tisch School of the Arts found that this new form of instruction was not adequate for their learning. When a number of Tisch students demanded a portion of their tuition back, Tisch Dean Allyson Green responded with a two-minute video of her dancing to REM’s “Losing My Religion.” In a written statement to NBC New York, Dean Green stated: “My most authentic mode of expression has always been dance… What I meant to demonstrate [in the video] is my certainty that even with the unprecedented hardships of social distancing and remotely-held classes, it is still possible for the Tisch community to make art together… I regret it if my email left the reasons for my dancing misunderstood.”

NORTH KOREA: Kim fires more missiles than ever amid COVID-19 pandemic. South Korean officials call it “inappropriate.”

While everyone else grapples with COVID-19, North Korea has fired nine missiles in March 2020 -- the highest number of missiles the country has ever fired in a single month. In response to the two short-range ballistic missiles fired from the coastal Wonsan region, South Korea’s Joint Chief of Staff stated that “in a situation where the entire world is experiencing difficulties due to COVID-19, this kind of military act by North Korea is very inappropriate.